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What the heck!
There was a ute on my side of the road as I navigated the twisty country roads home.
What the heck! I smiled. I laughed a little. Where had that come from? No swearing. No F-bomb. What the heck!
Writing this makes me smile now. That was the moment I realised my Swearing Project had worked.
The Pause
Recently, I removed what I believe is my final crutch by starting my #swearingproject and finally learned what the Stoics teach – how to control my emotions. How to have a pause before I react.
You know the pause I mean? The one people tell you to count to 10 or breath to get. Those didn’t work well for me. They didn’t have anywhere near the 100% effectiveness rate I wanted.
Not swearing meant I had to stop and think about what I was about to say. Sometimes, I didn’t have the right words so I had to find better things to respond with. It wasn’t easy. But I persevered and I found the pause. I found the time to give myself before I react. If I react at all. Sometimes I don’t need to say anything. Just listen.
My wife hated it
When I swear my wife instantly puts up a wall. and no matter what I’ve said it lands badly. And so reacts and then I react. It’s called the negative interaction cycle and we all do it. It’s like an infinite loop of bullets you keep firing at each other. Oftentimes the feelings you’re having are absolutely nothing to do with the discussion you’re having.
The pause overcomes that. Because when you’re in control of your reaction. When you can pause and think about what this might be like for yourself and your partner the reaction you get back is totally different. You don’t fall into the negative interaction cycle and wind up saying the same old stuff and having the same old interactions that leave you feeling unheard and unloved.
The Swearing Project is the only thing that has been 100% effective for me. I had no idea it would change my interactions, my emotions and my life like it has. And strongly believe that pause where you have to think of something else to say will change your life too.
Here’s what I’ve learned so far:
- Swearing is like removing the cork from a volcano. It lets my emotions overflow and explode.
- Not swearing makes me pause and choose my words more carefully.
- People swear to fit in.
- My father-in-law made a decision not to swear with a friend of his. No one knew this. We just thought he just didn’t swear.
- My wife only didn’t want me to swear in front of the kids.
- When I tightened the parameters, I had a terrible week.
- The F word doesn’t occur to me as often as it did.
Common myths about swearing I’ve learned:
- swearing is not a sign of intelligence
- swearing is not a sign of a lack of vocabulary and low intelligence
- you can’t stop swearing
There’s more besides this that I’m learning every day. It’s funny now that, like when I stopped drinking, people behave differently around me once they know I don’t swear. They might even apologise when they do.
When you have removed all the crutches, the only thing you have left is to be better. I’m not saying you should do this, but in my opinion, it’s worth testing it.
